I'll slap you in the face with a fish

I'll slap you in the face with a fish. So help me God, I'll do it. I have here, in my hand, a fish. Where I got it from is not important. What is important is the event that follows; the slapping of your face, by me, with a fish. Just look at this fish. Look at its sleek, slippery body. Admire its structure; it really is the ultimate weapon in terms of face-slapping, and if challenged by a man armed with, say, a burnt piece of toast, it would prove quite effective as a means of immediate and convenient face-slapping.

These fish aren't the best kind of fish for face-slapping, but in this situation I could arm myself with two or maybe even four fish.

So why a fish?

That's a jolly fine question, sir, and I'm going to answer it. You see, the art of fish-slapping can be traced back almost 800 years. Back in those days, people would fish-slap as a means of entertainment, a comedic and humorous gesture of friendship. Over the next 30 or so years, fish-slapping would come to be regarded as a mildly annoying fad and eventually turn from a gesture of friendship to one of great disgust. During heated arguments, one would often take the argument one step further with a fish-slap to their opponent's face, rendering them mildly embarassed and confused.

Fish-slapping eventually became a lost art. With the eventual outlaw of fish-slapping, those who were once prolific in the art of fish-slapping were forced into an underground society known only as The Fish-Slappers Elite. These folk were mighty dedicated, yes they were. Setting up hideouts in camps and bases all over the world, they would engage in frequent fish-slapping till the crack of dawn, then go home and fish-slap their wives.

I am one of those; a fish-slapper. It's my duty to perform the art of fish-slapping wherever possible, no matter what the situation. It is a mission of vital importance. Don't stand in my way, or I'll slap you twice with a fish.

How many fish-slappers are there? (not that I care, just thought I'd make the article longer)

Ah, so you really do care about fish-slapping, eh? Well then, I suppose I'll tell you. There are somewhere between literally more than one and almost a two-digit number fish-slappers. These people are very devoted, yes sir. They spend days at a time, branding faces with the murky produce and unpleasant odour that comes with being fish-slapped.

Indeed, it would seem that fish-slapping is a dead art. But that is not so. Now stand back as I swing this fish valiantly towards your face and pummel you severely around the head and shoulders area.

Those who are known to fish-slap stupendously:

Sea-men.

Wait! One more question! Why exactly do you insist on fish-slapping?

It's a very fine activity. The sensation one gets from slapping another in the face with a fish is unmatched. It beats genuine social contact, that's for sure. I personally believe fish-slapping will never die. There's a fine market for fish-slapping, oh yes. Some people will pay hundreds of tens of pounds to be fish-slapped in the face (or rather, face-slapped with a fish). You might not believe that, but it's true, actually. One time I was payed a number which contained a zero and another number which was not zero, with the non-zero number appearing before the zero! It was quite a joyous time, indeed.

Anyway, fish slapping is a sensation like no other, yes sir. You won't get this kind of sensation anywhere else, no sir.

Oh, right. Well... that's kinda cool, I guess.

I'm gonna slap you, yes I am. First is the lifting up of the fish, which I will then preceed with the facial slapping of you, by me, with said fish! Here I go. I'm gonna do it now. Yes sir, I am.

I'm really gonna do it this time.

-SLAP-

Told ya.

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