Cold War is what happens when all the soldiers leave home without their moms' jackets and scarves when they go off to war. Also a side effect of commandos "going commando" in temperate, windy conditions. Almost unheard of in tropical conditions and, ironically, Siberian Russia.
 Cold wars over the ages
- The Cold War of Antarctica (2001 - present): Two rival scientist clans battle it out on the polar icecaps after several incidents of coffee machine sabotage
- The Kid's Cold War (1896) - Old St. John on death row gets tired of waiting for a pardon and turns entire North American continent into a sheet of rubbery ice. He later gets caught and hanged up to dry.
- Cold War: The famous one (1946-1991): Truman double dares Stalin to lick a flagpole in the middle of winter, with hilarious consequences.
- Hot War: The unknown one (1991-3021): Stalin seeks revenge by setting fire to the world's supply of porn, then goes about eating some foetuses.