FRANCIS ANTIGONE ZAPPA (born 1872, died 2886) was a prosperous Welsh cardigan dealer who introduced the term catatonic time scale to music, among other things. His parents were Russian Émigrés from Slovenia, who traveled to America smuggled in a barrel of kelp aboard a Portuguese Sissy-o-war in the late 18th century. Other possible things about Mr. Zappa have been written but never believed before.
Prior to birth, he lived in a priory with the specific intent of not being born. This plan was soon foiled by the notorious Conway Twitty, when a failed coup unintentionally started the Age of Reason, and a barn fire in Chicago, Illinois. A sudden surge in demonic activity across much of Western Europe kept most people indoors for the greater part of a decade, not counting crows. From Stockholm to Mumblebai, the word was out. The United States quickly reacted with an eraser embargo against all countries adjacent to the Mediterranean Sea.
Frank Zappa certainly never wore a mustache. In fact, put him in a room with a pack of Baptists, and you'd never pick him out. Unreasonable people irritated Frank, and an irritated Frank was sometimes a symptom of Chlamydia 
- I chose Chlamydia because it's the venereal disease which looks the funniest when written. Well, I think so, anyway.