Statue Tory Rape

Statue Tory Rape is a rare crime almost exclusively limited to the British Commonwealth and former British colonies such as the United States and Ecuador. There are only three documented instances where a perpetrator, presumably with liberal leanings, actually had penetrative sex with a statue or statues of well known British conservatives known as Tories.

In 1913, Freemason and Learned Hand Smedley Crunch was apprehended after several hundred witnesses reported he'd drilled an anus in the statue of Sir Robert Peel, 2nd Baronet at Winckley Square in Preston city centre, and mounted it furiously for 34 minutes. A mental competency hearing dismissed a defense of lunacy, and Crunch was forced to plead nolo contendere by his Italian barrister.

A statue of in Woodhouse Moor, Leeds of Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley, 1st Duke of Wellington had a mouth and an anus drilled into it in 1855 by noted haberdasher and Tory MP Newt Gingrich. It was believed that exposure to lead fumes at his shop contributed to his felony, and so he was let off with a fine and a promise to mind his state-appointed dominatrix.

A statue of C. S. Lewis in East Belfast was gang-raped in 1982 by a group of Marxists on a tour who'd gotten a bit lost and a lot drunk. A Hungarian named Humodor Cacklefruit, a professional mountain climber, used his tools to create several orifices for himself and four cohorts to commit sacrilege. Although convicted and sentenced, the men used the media frenzy as a platform for their political demands for public pooping rights, tax-free cat tampering, silly carpet bombing policies and freedom to sweat at formal events. The Queen herself declared the men, "mad, utterly mad. The poor lads probably never had a decent education or cutlery."

Instances of statue Tory rape have been reported in non-Commonwealth nations, but never prosecuted due to a lack of interest.