Balafalafa

Here she is. If you see this in real life, run.

Balafalafa is the historical name attributed to the fearsome badger-like creature of folklore and bloody history, which has both human (female) and animal counterparts. She was born unthinkable centuries ago, and is still alive today. The very name sends shivers down the spines of all - even more so than 'You-Know-Who', because 'she' has a history in violent murders and various forms of rape. Dr Frankland says: 'At the end of the day, let's face it - she'll kill you in a fight'.

Though her history is murky, it is believed she is currently under the disguise as 'The Artist Formerly Known as Ke$ha'. However, commoners and aristocrats alike call her (with a quick sign of the cross beforehand, touching of holy relics, and the odd sacrifice of a child) by the name 'Balafalafa'.

Historical knowledge of Balafalafa is largely made up of archeological research, the following of her 'trails', first-hand accounts of attacks, and in-depth interviews with her partners in business and/or romance. Currently the most informed expert on the subject is Dr Barnes, who is currently undergoing an ambitious research project to map the history of Balafalafa. Rumoured sources of information include the vaults of the Snicket mansion, and the libraries of the old Intrubé Mansion, now destroyed. Since Balafalafa does not appear to be dying any time soon, historians are confident that they will, in time, be given the opportunity to construct a comprehensive account of Balafalafa's existence.

Etymology

The term 'Balafalafa' has been in regular use since the very first sightings of the creature, making the etymology of 'Balafalafa' remarkably simple. Historians trace its use back to the first accounts of direct contact with Balafalafa, which appear 20-30 years after the her estimated 'birth'. None of the accounts are written by the survivors themselves, but had to be transcribed by a local monk, because (as monks recorded) anyone who suffered a Balafalafa attack lost the will to write, eat, or live (most die within a few days of a Balafalafa encounter). It is recorded that the survivor appeared to begin the word 'Badger' but instead descended into a mixture of manic laughter and desperate sobbing, presumingly creating the 'lafalafa' part of the name.

Therefore, though the official term has stayed steady over the years, Balafalafa's real name has been thrown into controversy. For one, the name uttered by survivors may be the real name, but the problem has lied in the lack of Latin alphabet letters required to accurately transcribe it. For another, the sheer mental turmoil of the sufferer, added to the likelihood that Balafalafa never actually told them her name, may mean she calls herself by something different - Arshnod, perhaps, or Jean. In a recent interview with Wallace Intrubé, the interviewer learned that Balafalafa 'accepts the official name', though historians regard this comment, and Balafalafa's genetalia, as ambiguous.

Appearance

Accounts of her appearence vary from witness to witness, most of whom are too terrified to utter a word. Even William Wordsworth, world-famous poet, was reduced to: 'Wh-agla-aganafa-erump-ad-el-aganafa-aganafaaaaaa!--AGANAFAAAAAAAAA!!!!!' However, the true variance of 'saner' accounts suggest she has the ability to shapeshift between full female 'human' and full badger - and some have described her as a mixture of the two. However, the most popular rendition is the one at the top of this page. Here are a few more artists' depictions - we warn the reader that content may be disturbing and cause extreme fits of panic.

Recent Survivor's Photograph

This is the terrifying sight that awaits those who encounter Balafalafa during an attack. The man in question managed to escape, but killed himself from the trauma just a day later.

Voyeur shot

A brave journalist managed to find Balafalafa's hiding place in 1985 and take a sneaky picture of her planning her next move. He published the picture anonymously and promptly moved out of the country, fearing a visit in return.

A 'Postcard' from Balafalafa herself

In a survey of 400 people, 37% fainted at the sight. 44% uttered the words 'My eyes, my eyes!!" and a further 28% attempted to strangle the interviewer. Only 1% acted calmly at the image.

Balafalafa - The Biography

Origins

Sightings of Balafalafa were first recorded in the 13th century across much of central and eastern Europe, through there have been some disputed sightings of a Balafalafo-Jalafolafic Hieroglyph in the Tomb of Tutankhamum, rumoured to be the first victim of a Balafalafa <citation needed>. Though her true origins puzzled many at the time, advancements in science and archeology have given modern man a greater insight into one of the world's greatest mysteries.

13th century

The earliest evidence we have of what we now know as Balafalafa (hungarian for woman who digs) was found just outside of modern day Budapest. What seems to be facaes were discovered at the bottom of shallow marsh land. Analysis has shown that Balafalafa had a diet consisting primarly of worms, onions, tadpoles and young boys.

Local folk lore tells of a savage beast that would take boys from their beds during the night. These children would reapper several miles from their villages seemingly physically intact yet a few days latter would die from illness or transform into a creature resembling a badger. While these claims can not be catogorically approved we know that similar symtoms have been reported in subsiquent cases.

The spread of Balafalafa was realativly limited during the 13th centuary but what we do know she visited modern day Austria, Slavakia, Ukraine and the Czech Republic. It is estimated around 14,000 young boys were attacked during this time and around 9,300 of these boys died within a week. Many who survived died later in life from TB contracted from a badger-jaw shaped bite. A smaller minority, often coming from the upper class of the time survived to become Jalafalafas, male balafalafas who are nesecery for the survival of the species.

By the advent of the 14th centuary the threat of the balafalafa was becoming increasingly noticed by Western Christendom. Forces were diverted from the crusades and were insted driven into hunting down balafalafa. Many historians cite this as one reason that the Christians failed to reclaim the holy land and this is why many medevil texts refer to balafalafa as the 'deamon' or 'heretic'.

14th century

While the progress of balafalafa was relativly limited in the 13th centuary, her influence spread further both west and east over the next one hundered years. Fearing persecution, balafalafa moved east towards Russia where Catholicism held little power. She lived in relative peace for several years, accourding to the diary of Brushka Stakov, a farmer who had settled on land south of modern St Petersburg. He details how he would 'first feed the cattle and poultry, then leave a small amount of feed on the opposite bank of the stream running through (his) field'. The creature would appear every evening after dusk and would wail in appreciation'. Some argue this is evidence of a softer, domesticated side to balafalafa as Stakov did not report any animals under his possesion being killed by her in the three years he fed her. Others, however belive this shows her great intellegence and show a mind willing to make sacrifices to meet her demands.

Knowing she could not keep up her facade for much longer, Balafalafa headed north towards Finland. She made swift progress into Sweden and from there swam a short distance into Denmark, still keeping her distance from the powers of France and the Holy Roman Empire. Knowing she would soon have to head south into modern day Germany, Balafalafa built up her strength and started her second wave of doom. The population of Denmark shrunk by 11% between 1359 and 1403. 93% of all the victims were young boys and Denmark still feels the reprocusions to this day. (the population currently stands at 62% female, 38% male).

15th century

During the 1400's, Balafalafa began to mature and became a child, rather than a feckless todler. She was now stronger and much more intellegent, powerful enough to kill an adult male with a single swipe from her paws. By 1403 she had grown strong from her time in Denmark and pushed south through Schleswig-Holstein. Not 10 miles into her journey she found an imperial patrol, 7 pikemen who had been ordered to kill any badger on sight. Historians only have one source on the incident from the only survivor, Thomas Hertz.

She struck out of nowhere, snapping Franz's neck. We turned to see both Hanz and Markus had found the same grizly fate. We regrouped and held out our pikes. Sweat covered the shaft and made it difficult to handle. Scilence decended upon us for only the breifest of momments. Ranulph screamed as the beast dove towards him. It tore out his heart and ate it front of him as he died. Jurgen tried to spin and stab the creature yet it had already pulled out his spine. I ran in fear, the beast barring down on me and Stefan. Knowing rhe beast would not stop, I kicked stafan in the leg and he fell to the ground. The beast severed his head with one movement and began feasting upon him. I write this knowing that creature was a messenger of the devil and was set upon us for the crimes we have commited for our Emperor. I must join with my brothers in hell for what I have done and let it be known I am deeply sorry for what I did.

Thomas Hertz 4 days after the attack by hanging himself.

Little could stop Balafalafa as she marched down through the German Principalities. The modern solider was not equiped well enough to tackle her one-on-one and many fled there homes if sightings were reported in the near vancinity. The other powers of Europe saw Balafalafa as an angel while the Germans viewed her as a demon. In 1434 Balafalafa had grown weary of the Empire and began to push westwards. Historians are not completely sure how far she travled yet we have reported sightings of her in France, Spain and Italy. During an excursion in Florence she losed a leg to a rabble of feral cats. (However limbs losed by Balafalafas grow back after 17 minutes.) The lost leg was presented to Lenardo Da Vinci and he made extensive drawings of it's anatomy. Unfortunatly he spent to much time with it and toxic spores given off from Balafalafa fur eventually killed him after a long period of suffering. One man even claims to have seen her in England during the battle of Stoke on 16th June 1487 yet mant agree that the sighting was one of a common Badger. What is known however is that by 1490 Balafalafa had travaled back to the Holy Roman Empire with one target in mind, Emperor Maximillian I. Until this point Balafalafa had only ever killed random victims and only then for sustanance. Maximillian had been Emperor since 1483 and was extremly influncial in European Politics. It is thought her reasons for targetting Maximillian were two-fold

1. Bring down the Holy Roman Empire, who had been hunting her for nearly 200 years.
2. Show the rest of Europe she was far more powerful then they ever could have belived possible and strike fear into Christendom.

Balfalafa spent the remainder of the 15th century in Nasu-Saarbrücken, a south-western state of the Empire. Here she slept for 8 years, building her strength for her greatest challange yet.

16th century

Many historians find that the 16th century is the most important regarding the conception of modern society and it is undoubtably the time in which Balafalafa became not only a European yet a world force.

Balafalafa awoke on the 26th of November 1502. A local woman predicting her awakening in a series of painful and vivid images brought on by a sezuire and the locals rallied a millita to fight her. These men formed the basis of her first meal in almost a decade. Though she was full of energy she was also extremly drowsy and it made progress slow. She relied on slealth and guerilla warfare on her charge towards the imperial palace and many across Europe belived that Balafalafa had been slain and rumbilings of peace spread across the continent. Balafalafa reached Berlin on the eve of 1519. Maximillian's health had been deteriating for many years now and Balafalafa knew she had little time to carry out her personal vendetta. She made herself a small set in the gardens of the palace and dug a series of elaborate tunnels under the grounds. On January 19th 1519 she moved through the tunnels and into the Emperor's bedchamber. The cause is death is uncertain yet due to a lack of marks on the body it is thought Balafalafa smoothered the elderly Emperor.

Balafalafa felt her actions would destroy the empire yet the results were far from desired. By killing off Maximillian she opended up the throne to his ambitious grandson who had grown up in fear of the creature and in doing so united the thrones of Spain and the Empire. Balafalafa had bitten off more than she could chew

In 1520 she fled west to northen France. Balafalafa had angered the Empire and sought allies in France. On the 7th of June 1520 Balafalafa arrived in Balinghem, France for the festival known as the Field of the cloth of gold. The young kings, Henry VIII of England and Francis I of France met to show of their regal splender and renassiance values. Balafalafa, as Simon Schama once said had always been drawn towards power and you don't get much more powerful than a meeting between two of Europe's greatest Kings.

Here Balafalafa was treated as a hero and gourged on the finest meats and pastries the royal cooks could produce. One annocedote that Henry used in court detailed how Balafalafa had become so intoxicated with wine and mead she had eatten fourteen French goats alive. The Cardinal (Wolsey) had been antcipating these beasts patiently and became hostile and synical for the rest of the festivities. This was apparently greeted with raptous laughter amongst Henry's friends due to their imense hatred for Wolsey.

Balafalafa had now made friends with both England and France and was relatively safe from the Empire. Both Kings saw potential in Balafalafa, she would be a powerful addition to any monarchs court. Francis offered her one thousands Franks per annum for her services towards his army while Henry asked for her services in return for 200 acres in Norfolk, a stately home designed to her satisfaction, a knighthood, a portriat by court painter Hans Holbein and as many orphans as she desired. Though Balafalafa considered both offers, even visiting Hampton Court in 1522, she declined both.

Balafalafa reverted to her earlier life over the next three years and traveled across England and France mostly hunting and traveling. Though seen by many at the time as a unintellegent beast, balafalafa enjoyed traveling, fine food and writing poetry though it was her more violent side she became notorious for. By 1525 she recived an unexpected letter from the King of Spain and emperor of the Holy Roman Empire Charles V summoning her to a meeting in Bavaria. Balafalafa, again in the persuit for power, agreed and met Charles on Febuary 4th 1525. Charles had come to realise that a creature such as her could not be bribed with material possesions yet with power. Balafalafa had a figure of hate for the Catholic church for years and Popes for centuries had launched Balafalafafic crusades upon her. Charles was unhappy with Pope Clement VII and felt he was a greater man of God than the Pope. Together the two devised a plan in which Rome would be sacked and the Pope taken hostage. In return Balafalafa hoped that such a move would split the church and weaken her opposition. It took two years to prepare for the battle. Balafalafa had a suit of armor hand made for her by the greatest blacksmiths in Europe and she was given food and lodgings, as well as an area to hunt and train.

Reports from the time seem to suggest the realtionship between Charles and Balafalafa was more than a business partnership. Charles himself wrote about Balafalafa to his Aunt Catherine of Aragon in September 1526.She is a majestic creature, more beautiful then words can describe. As a beast she seems so powerful yet controlled, unlike anything I nor any of my court have ever witnesed. As a human she is extremly seductive, a flutter of her lashes melts the heart of even my toughest generals. She is beautiful but deadly, and so I feel torn between my heart and brain.

Rummors of a sexual relationship still persist to this day yet it is highly unlikely that the two ever slept together. Balafalafas tend to eat their partners after sex before they reach the age of 500.

The attack went ahead, as planned on May 5th 1527 with Balafalafa leading a small unit of swordsmen into the fight. She fought with valour and honour one of her lueitenants wrote after the assault and was decerated by Charles himself for her actions. She was then given the task of 'caring' for the Pope while Charles kept him captive. Balfalafa had lost no vice towards the Catholic church and punished the Pope as she saw fit. She bit and scrathed the Pope and had it not been for Charles' council would have caused him serious injury. There have also been reports of her carying out unorthadox acts upon the Pope, one of which seems to share similarities to the biscuit technique used by the modern day The Intrubé Dynasty.

It was also during this time she gained strong ties with the Remero dynasty. For more information see Balafalastic-Remero ties.

Balafalafa stayed in Rome for the six months garding the Pope yet when he escaped Balafalafa left for pastures new. Having seen the curropted and decedant life style that high-up clergy enjoyed in the Church she felt her task of destroying the church would be much easier than previously thought. Hearing rumor that King Henry VII was seeking divorce from his wife Catherine of Aragon she travled to England to help her old friend, avriving at his majesties court on March 6th 1529.

Henry had already tried and failed on numerous accounts to have his divorce granted yet the Pope had refussed each time. Usually a Pope would be more than happy to grant a European King with a annulment yet with the clergy being effectivly under Charles control after the Sack of Rome, and Catherine being Charles' auntie no annulment was made. Balafalafa pushed Henry to break from the Catholic Church yet he refused as he feared excomnuication. Balafalafa herself had been excomunicated many years ago and told the King he had nothing to fear as the Pope had no juristiction in England.

See Also

• Wallace Intrubé
• Svenna Majori
• The Snickets

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