God's Revenge
The God's Revenge, also known as the crack spider, is a type of super-dangerous venomous spider endemic to the United States of America. A group of crack spiders are known as "crackheads".
Appearance[edit | edit source]
The God's Revenge looks similar to a wolf spider, with dark brown coloring, hairy bodies, stout, long legs and freakin' huge fangs; Crack spiders are around the size of a tarantula. The males are larger than the females. The God's Revenge has extremely good eyesight, smell, and hearing. They have okay sense of taste, and are super-sensitive to touch. All species of crack spiders also have small talons on the end of each of their leggys. God's Revenge can also fit under doors.
Behavior[edit | edit source]
God's Revenge is a typically aggressive spider, often actively chasing humans upon sight. Oddly, crack spiders rarely ever chase and/or bite teenage males or females. Scientists have yet to discover the reason for this. Anyways, when a crack spider sees a human (they have super-good eyesight), you're basically fucked, so you should probably start running as fast as you can.
Bite[edit | edit source]
The crack spider's bite is extremely dangerous, causing (pulls out list) muscle cramping, necrotizing lesions around the bite area, redness and swelling around the bite area, nausea and dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting and moderate paralysis of the diaphragm - meaning it gets pretty hard to breathe. And oh yeah, the venom in this thing can destroy the walls of blood vessels around the bite area, so this causes ulcers too. Have fun!
Also, this extremely painful bite, coupled with their fast speed and startling appearance, can be really unsettling, and many bite survivors panic from the experience. But you don't have to worry about being eaten. Crack spiders don't eat people, with the exception of feral crack spider subspecies (see below).
Feral crack spiders[edit | edit source]
Feral crack spiders are even MORE dangerous than the God's Revenge you'd see in the upstairs bathroom. That one's a domestic God's Revenge. They live in the trees, bushes, and vegetation-covered ground. They're insane, too! A pack of 10 Feral crackheads can skeletonize a 450-pound buck in, like, 10 seconds! At least feral God's Revenges don't really chase people - as feral crackheads rarely (or never) have contact with humans, they have no idea who or what the fuck you are, so they usually run away. But if you antagonize a feral crackhead, they'll start chasing you. And they'll bite you if you keep annoying them, so watch out. I've heard that a feral crackhead's bite is twice as worse than that of a domestic crackhead's. Yikes.
Jungle crack spiders[edit | edit source]
These are a subspecies of "normal" (pfft, as if any God's Revenge is "normal") feral God's Revenge, residing in the Amazon and African jungles. Only two species of Jungle God's Revenges are known - the Amazonian, and the African. If there are other jungle subspecies, they're either undiscovered, or they HAVE been seen by scientists, but, y'know...
Amazonian Jungle's Revenge[edit | edit source]
Main article: AmJR
The Amazonian Jungle's Revenge (often shortened to "the AmJR", pronounced "am-jerr") is one of two known subspecies of feral God's Revenge spiders, residing in the Amazonian jungles of Brazil.
The AmJR subspecies is about as big as a baseball, and looks about the same as a regular male domestic crack spider, except the AmJR has all-black fur. Female AmJRs are noticeably larger than males, usually around 50 to 65 percent larger. Also, the females have white spots on the top side of their spherical abdomen.
African Jungle's Revenge[edit | edit source]
Main article: AfJR
The African Jungle's Revenge (often shortened to "the AfJR", pronounced "aff-jerr") is the second of two known subspecies of feral God's Revenge spiders, residing in the Congo Basin of Africa.
Australian God's Revenge[edit | edit source]
Main article: AuGR
Oh, yeah, I guess I shoulda mentioned the Australian God's Revenge. Well, now I have. Anyways, the Australian crack spider (AKA the "Australian God's Revenge", usually shortened to "AuGR", pronounced "aww-grr") is as big as an 8" x 11" sheet of paper, so this makes the AuGR the largest crack spider out of all species.